Here are some foods I just came up with.

This is the century of the foodie. Every blogger and Instagrammer on the planet seems to be giving hot tips and insider looks into the culinary creations of the century.

These really are strange times, and in that spirit of invention under the sheen of high-def cameras, I present to you some blessed creations I have come up.

Feel free to make these delectable dishes yourself and tell me what they’re like. Heck, feel free to play around with what I’ve given you – it’s yours to do with it as you wish.

PB n J w/ American cheese and pickles on white bread

A very long Frankfurter, topped with strawberries and sour cream, served between a crepe

A Bloody Mary… but instead of vodka and tomato juice, it’s beer and ketchup

Aquafaba soup… Drain several cans of beans, discard the beans, and mix the liquid together in a small pot. Heat. Salt to taste.

Hair pizza. Make sure the hair is crispy. No one cares about the pizza. Throw it out.

Garbage plate. Not a nice serving of wings or random appetizers, thrown together on a plate at your local bar. Fuck no. Life is too short for that sort of bullshit. Literal garbage. Whatever is in your trash can at this particular moment.

Mash up some corned beef hash and make a nice Jell-O mold for your next family gathering. You hate most of them anyway. This won’t make it worse. I promise.

Think you need to go to some posh, gourmet place in a huge city to get the coolest burgers? Fuck that. That shit is for snobs.

Yeah. Like this guy. He probably sips craft beer and mansplains how plants work, or something.

All you have to do is walk down the street, and scrape the first piece of squirrel, or possum, or chipmunk, or cat, or even human being – and you could soon be home eating a burger no one else will be savoring.

Fuck those people paying $80,000 for one ounce of some cow named Naveah, who has been read all of Camus’ works and who only listens to Coltrane.

In fact, fuck Naveah. You’re better than her. Sip your Keystone and have another bite of raccoon.

Want these damn kids to have a truly memorable party? Try candyflip icing! You see, you morally deranged fuck, it’s like any old delicious icing, except it’s laced in LSD and MDMA!

Or don’t. Unless you want your kids to end up like this dude. Gross. He probably reeks of pot and quinoa. When was the last time he took a shower, anyway?

They already watch shows about weird animal characters with bright colors that help them memorize sounds.

Plus this stupid “band” is costing you $4000 an hour… Why not cut out the middle man and really help them learn why “A is for alligator?”

So there we are. Some new recipes for you to try!

Happy cooking!